Welcome, guest. Register to remove this message!

[Ravage]

So here goes; a complicated personal matter.

My wife and I suffered a stillborn daughter last summer. After that we moved to the capital to help her get closer to her research team, giving her more people around her at work.
It was rough in the relationship during the pregnancy, and losing the baby in the 7th month was hard as well. Nevertheless she seemed to cope ok. Now in january she became very depressed, and threatens suicide. She has gone from saying she does not want to live, to that she wants to die, to that she wants to kill her self, to finally deciding on how to do it. She also blames me for the fact that we lost the baby, ascribing it to stress coming from arguments we had.
Now she says she does not love me anymore and that she wants us to live apart. She also has a lot of stress at work, possibly failing to complete her research project due next year.

I have had a pretty sucktastick 2011 as well, and left my job and network when we moved to the capital, where I have been unable to find a job as well. But I do have a relative here where I can stay. Yesterday she grabbed the kitchen knives and said she wanted to stab herself. I took them away from her and hid them. And even recorded one tirade from her on my cell phone (as I am afraid she might accuse me of abusing her if she suffers bruises during such a disarming). Now she says she wants to move out, or I should move out.

Now the question is, should I try to move to a relative for a few days? Or should I not trust her to be alone?
The hotline for depressed people said suicidal people should not be alone, but I am not sure I am doing much good here. Hotlineguy also said threats about suicide should be taken seriously, and that it is usually not about getting attention, such as some stereotypical views hold. She just turns her agression on me however.

Last time I moved out for a night in february, she sent me accusing sms's and claimed I would not stay there if I loved her; so I got up and bought some flowers at 7/11 and went home at 2330 and it was ok for a few days. On the other hand, she claims just seeing me makes her think about how ruined her life is, her failed pregnancy and become depressed.

So what do you think? Any with experience in such matters? Any friendly advice would be welcome.

[Ravage]

Any opinions? I'm all dry like a desert-bound Seacon here for ideas.

[BigPete]

Will send you a PM in a minute, dude.

[Lucar-tron]

I have no experience of knowing anyone that thinks of taking suicide, but I believe it can't be a good idea to leave such a person alone, even if s/he hates your guts even though if you really wasn't at fault.
But... if she's just taking out her agressions then you may need some a good psychiatrist, a doctor or a wise person to give you a helping hand.

I'm so sorry for what has happened and sorry for not being of so much help. I usually happen to listen to problems that my friends are having, buteven if I'm one of few who listens so am I bad at helping out.

[NRJohn]

I don't know if I can say anything helpful here...
But it sounds right that she shouldn't be on her own, but maybe it would be better if she was with some other family member or friends? I don't know. Or just seeking outside help.

Some weeks ago a relative of mine committed suicide. I suppose it was the culmination of a long depression...
But I didn't know him well, or what triggered his decision or how it could have been averted...

I'm really sorry for you and your wife and I hope both of you will get pass this.

[Ravage]

Thanks for the answers. I will try to get a private psyciatrist today. We went twice already, but maybe something regularly could help. We called her mom, but she only dismissed it as hysteria. Hope she would come over anyway. We'll see what this week brings.

[Ravage]

I'll do what you all reccomend and seek outside help. Her mom will come over, and I'll go away for some time. I dont think I can do much more help here. Perhaps if I spent more time relating to people instead of robots in adolescense

[Groundsplitter]

Sorry, I didn't see this until now (I don't spend much time on the forums any longer as I'm not feeling very well myself) and I'm not really qualified to give professional advice. But I agree with the others that she should definitely not be left alone.
I think that her mother or someone else of her family members needs to be made to understand the situation, so that they can be there for her regardless of whether her outbursts are just an attempt to get attention (which I wouldn't assume either, one cannot afford to take that chance) or meant seriously. And seek professional help from people trained to evaluate and handle depressions.

[Inkku]

i'm really sorry to hear about the problems you have there..

the outside help might be best choise at the moment..



i don't know how to but it in words, but when i did lost something i loved, it did take some time to get on with it.. everything did remind me about my lost and i did get angsty at times.. the best help was my friend who listened when i talked and she was even there, when i stop talking about it.. To calm my nerves, i did make a long walks in the woods (i wanted to go hiking, but it was not possible at then) i did leave spontaneously when ever i was feeling moody and i did come back home, when i felt like coming or, i did take my car and just vent driving mindlesly around..
Those moments alone, did give me time to think and progress everything, and the pain what i did feel, was not gone in one day.. at times, i still might lost in the tough, but i don't snap at people..

the worst part was, when everyting at home did remind me about the lost, and when i did get out from the home and i did get something else to think about, it helped a lot..

to get someone to talk about, to get something else to think about.. to get time to but things in order again..

[Ravage]

Yes, Inkku, what you are describing is what she says; that everything at home reminds her of the lost. How did you get gradually get out of the depression? Was there any signs that things were better?

And, Lars, I hope you are not very ill?

[Inkku]

Yes, Inkku, what you are describing is what she says; that everything at home reminds her of the lost. How did you get gradually get out of the depression? Was there any signs that things were better?

well.. everything at home, did remind me about my lost, so i have to get out.. i headed to somewhere, where i could mourn about it and later, my dear friend did the hardest part and listened.. i guess, the hardest part for her was, when i was quiet.. the healing progress did take time, about two years and even now, eight years later, some of the holidays are difficult to take.. everyone else has something, what i don't have anymore.. eventually, the stuff, what reminded, was moved and stored away. The memories stayed and will get me weeping at times, so again, i just have to call time off and go to gather my self somewhere again and again..

people will do the mourning at different ways, for me, it was those lone walks in the woods and falling in pieces in front of my dear friend in the middle of the city at late hours..

eventually, the pain will ease.. but it will not happen in one night.. the pain might come back, even a year or two later.. to have someone to talk about it. someone, who can share the feelings.. it's not always those things what to say.. sometimes, the best way is, just listen and be there..

[Ravage]

well.. everything at home, did remind me about my lost, so i have to get out.. i headed to somewhere, where i could mourn about it and later, my dear friend did the hardest part and listened.. i guess, the hardest part for her was, when i was quiet.. the healing progress did take time, about two years and even now, eight years later, some of the holidays are difficult to take.. everyone else has something, what i don't have anymore.. eventually, the stuff, what reminded, was moved and stored away. The memories stayed and will get me weeping at times, so again, i just have to call time off and go to gather my self somewhere again and again..

Thank you for sharing this. This is excactly what she does; just heads out to walk and then claims everything in the appartment reminds her of what happened last year, even me. It makes sense, hearing it from you. We're moving abroad in 4 months, so if she could just hang on untill then, there would be enough adventure to take away some of the over focusing on her loss perhaps... :/

[Inkku]

well.. everything at home, did remind me about my lost, so i have to get out.. i headed to somewhere, where i could mourn about it and later, my dear friend did the hardest part and listened.. i guess, the hardest part for her was, when i was quiet.. the healing progress did take time, about two years and even now, eight years later, some of the holidays are difficult to take.. everyone else has something, what i don't have anymore.. eventually, the stuff, what reminded, was moved and stored away. The memories stayed and will get me weeping at times, so again, i just have to call time off and go to gather my self somewhere again and again..

Thank you for sharing this. This is excactly what she does; just heads out to walk and then claims everything in the appartment reminds her of what happened last year, even me. It makes sense, hearing it from you. We're moving abroad in 4 months, so if she could just hang on untill then, there would be enough adventure to take away some of the over focusing on her loss perhaps... :/

i hope the very best for you both..

while working today, i did remember one friend of mine in polytechnic. she was expecting her first baby.. everything went well, she was prepared to take the child with her on the school and her class mates (including me) were waiting also that, she was in 8,5month that time..
Only couple of weeks left, and the little baby boy went silent in her womb.. there were lot of questions, but no answers
she was off the school couple of weeks and when she did come back, she told us, what have happened and that she is still the same person than what she was pefore..
some years later, i asked her about the feelings and stuff from that time and she told me, at the forst part was not coming school.. it was the silence.. no one dared to ask or speak, everyone was afraid of her reactions..
last time, when i did see her, she was mother of three healty girls..

[Tformer]

Really sorry to hear, Ravage.

I really don't think I have much of value to say on the matter, but I will echo that she shouldn't be left alone.
Getting regular sessions with a good psychiatrist is probably the best way to go. Even if moving abroad would help her start over, unless she gets proper closure, there's always a chance that something could cause a relapse.

[Ravage]

Really sorry to hear, Ravage.

I really don't think I have much of value to say on the matter, but I will echo that she shouldn't be left alone.
Getting regular sessions with a good psychiatrist is probably the best way to go. Even if moving abroad would help her start over, unless she gets proper closure, there's always a chance that something could cause a relapse.

Yes, I only hope they could be more generous with the medication. We got some low effect pills back home quite easily, but after she threw them into the garbage, they have been hard to replace as no one in the capital seems to want to prescribe anything to take the highest tops and lowest bottoms away. :/